My husband and I loved the original “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” It was a reality television series on Bravo, featuring the “Fab Five” — five gay men who would swoop into the life of some unsuspecting straight male who had been nominated by a spouse, friend, family member, co-worker, etc. The set-up was usually that this clueless straight guy had challenges in the Fab Five’s respective areas of expertise: food and wine, decor, culture, grooming, and fashion. The Fab Five would open each episode by introducing their target client, reviewing what his nominators had shared about his foibles and needs; then they would arrive in a large SUV, taking over his life for several days, often leading up to a special event when he would reveal his newfound fabulousness to loved ones. They would haul him off to get a makeover and a new wardrobe. They would totally redecorate his home, with the eager assent of his wife or girlfriend. They would teach him how to cook something simple, and entertain, and they would often suggest an appropriate date night and help make it happen. When the makeover was complete, they would bring him back to his home, and unveil him to his surprised family and friends, and his renovated home to him. It was often hilarious, often touching, and it showed gay men in a positive light as kind helpers of sometimes oblivious straight men. I actually think the show helped break down barriers and laid the groundwork for better acceptance of Americans who happen to be gay. It ran until about 2007 or so, and we missed it when it left the air.
Well, Netflix revived the series with a new cast last year, and we watched it for the first time last week, in the run-up to the second season that launched this week. Many episodes have followed the fundamentals of the tried and true format, but the setting has been moved from New York to Atlanta (yay!) and we learn much more about the new Fab Five. The new setting in the South brings the show to a whole new level of insight and impact — desperately needed in our culture these days. The new Fab Five travel out of the city into some pretty remote areas of Georgia — areas full of outspoken support for Donald Trump and his policies — to sort out the lives of some straight white men. And let me tell you — some of those straight white men from the first season broke my liberal heart.
The first episode was titled “You Can’t Fix Ugly.” The straight man in need of help was a middle-aged truck driver who kept repeating to them, “I’m old, fat, and ugly. And you can’t fix ugly.” The way he said it, you could tell right away that this was something that had been repeated to him many, many times over his entire life, probably starting in childhood. He kept “joking” about how ugly he was. When the Fab Five got him to trim back his overgrown beard, and take off his big trucker’s cap and glasses, you could see that this man had the saddest blue eyes. His apartment was a mess, right down to the filthy recliner that was his favorite chair. He clearly didn’t feel worthy of having a nicer chair or living space, and it seemed obvious to me that he was depressed. He was divorced, and so lonely. He wanted help to clean up his act, and make his apartment somewhere he could bring a special lady friend — specifically, his ex-wife, whom he desperately missed although they were still close and saw each other often. And yes, the Fab Five made the magic happen.
The third episode was called “Dega Don’t.” Its subject was a NASCAR fan known for his crazy parties and silly outfits tied to the Talladega Superspeedway. He was a former Marine, a local police officer, and an open supporter of Donald Trump, complete with a Make America Great Again hat in his “man-cave”. Early in the episode, there was a heart-stopping moment when the Fab Five ventured out from Atlanta into the Georgia countryside, with their one black member, Karamo Brown, driving. They were pulled over on a rural road by a police officer, and the look of anxiety in Brown’s eyes as he was ordered out of the car, and the relief on his face later, were not faked. Of course, the incident had been staged by the producers (though they hadn’t known Brown would be driving); it turned out that the officer who pulled them over was his buddy’s nominator and knew exactly who they were, and he greeted them warmly. But my own pulse raced during the minutes before all was revealed; later articles about the episode reveal that Brown and the only other cast member of color, Tan France, almost quit filming because of it. And who would blame them? They are already burdened, in their daily lives, with having to navigate a majority-white society and explain or defend themselves. Did they really have to experience this moment of panic and fear to generate drama for a TV show that is primarily for entertainment?
As it turns out, the NASCAR fan was a down to earth guy who was still grieving his late father by keeping all of his old clothes, and who desperately wanted to reconnect with his family and show his wife how much he loved and appreciated her. He worked long hours. He kept his stuff downstairs in a “man-cave” and tried not to intrude into his wife’s neat, feminine spaces in the rest of the house. He was a good husband, a good son, a good police officer, a veteran. And he was clearly so overwhelmed by his life, and unable to see his own needs or ask for help dealing with his loss, that even his NASCAR and police buddies saw the situation and got the help for him. A highlight of the episode was the hourlong drive to Atlanta and back that he had with just Karamo Brown, when they spoke candidly about the fear Brown had felt when he got pulled over by police in rural Georgia, and his relief when it turned out okay. More of us should have those candid, civil conversations with people who are different from us, and make the effort to walk a mile in their shoes.
The fifth episode, “Camp Rules”, was about a husband and father of six, with a strong commitment to his understanding of Christianity, who still carried the guilt of not having allowed his younger wife to have a nicer wedding and reception when they married. Even the wedding photographer had been an “epic fail”, so the couple had no photos of what they regarded as one of the most important days in their lives. The dad was now working two jobs, barely sleeping a few hours a night; the wife was a preschool teacher (one of the lowest paid jobs there is); and the whole family of eight lived in a tiny house with one bathroom. The house was bursting with children’s toys, clothes, and sippy cups. It was like a hoarder’s daycare center on steroids.
This man was exhausted — so exhausted, he had given up shaving or getting haircuts and, often, sleeping. He clearly loved his wife and children, and they loved him. He wanted to provide for them. He never had any time with them, or for himself, because of the low-wage jobs he was doing to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads. The grooming guru had to work with him to find a few minutes he could have to himself every day just to do basic things like shave. He didn’t want to spend any money on clothes for himself, because he was channeling all the family’s limited funds to meet the kids’ needs. When the Fab Five got him clean-shaven again, and got him to wear something better than stained t-shirts and old jeans (and provided the nicer clothes), he looked fifteen years younger, even though the worry lines were still carved deep in his face. One of the Five shared his own upbringing in a conservative Christian family that viewed homosexuality as a sin, how torn he had felt in his teens, and the pain this had caused him. And then the Fab Five helped the dad give the nice party he wished he had given his wife after their wedding.
Each of these straight guys seemed deeply scarred. I kept wondering what their childhoods had been like. The emotional pain that was evident in their sad, tired, hopeful eyes and their lined faces — the stress-related illness at least one had — all spoke of a masculinity that was less toxic than suffocated. Drowning. These were, by traditional standards, good men. They didn’t ask for much, if anything. They saw themselves as having ultimate responsibility for everyone in their orbit, and they did their best to meet those responsibilities in the face of forces much, much more powerful than their individual efforts. They worked in traditional blue-collar jobs and took pride in doing their work well, but they were struggling to make ends meet, and trying to move toward better lives for themselves and their families. They had good friendships with other like-minded men, but it was clear that they relied entirely on the women in their lives for emotional insight and support. It was also clear that most of them hadn’t gotten much of that insight or support as boys, to the point where their emotional starvation seemed like a form of past child abuse and deprivation. One of them broke down in tears when he said goodbye to the Fab Five, after they had changed his environment and worked on his self-image. What do we DO to our boys to create such sad men? What are we telling them, that stunts their feelings and dents any healthy self-regard, replacing those with self-loathing that too often turns outward?
What is the world doing to these men? What is our country doing to these men? It is beating them down. And they are grasping at any lifeline or straw offered to them. That is the evil genius of Donald Trump. He has virtually nothing in common with these men. He is not a devoted husband or father. He has never served his community, not in the armed forces, not as a public servant, not as a volunteer. He doesn’t make sacrifices for others; he sacrifices the needs of everyone in his orbit to build up his own luxury, comfort, power, and prestige, and to support his vices. He is an emotional abuser, a con man, a manipulator of others’ decency. Yet he has mastered a language that speaks to these men, and until someone else breaks through and speaks to them in ways that show sincere understanding of their burdens, and empathy for their lives, they will continue to support him.
So here’s the deal, Democrats. You need to take a page from the Fab Five’s book. There are probably many more red-state voters who are swallowing the poison offered to them by Trump and Fox News, because they aren’t being offered anything better, than there are true believers in the wicked nonsense peddled to them by today’s pseudo-Republicans and so-called alt-right. I do not believe that the whole country has to focus solely on the needs of white working-class men to get our nation back on track. I do not believe those needs are more important than the needs of women, people of color, immigrants, LGBT Americans, and I don’t think those needs should be met at the expense of the groups I’ve just listed, or other groups. I do not believe that anyone should give quarter or comfort to bigoted beliefs, statements, or policies, whoever utters them or why. I do believe that Democrats and independents like me, liberal or moderate or conservative, MUST find a way to unite voters blue and red around what we have in common: the need to provide for our families, a desire to leave the world slightly better for our children and give them opportunity, appreciation for hard work, true commitment to family and faith, empathy for each other’s struggles, and kindness. As David Collins, creator of the new “Queer Eye”, says: “We have this opportunity here in 2018 where we’ve realized that we all want to lift each other up.”
All the hatred spewed from this White House is designed to divide our nation’s people against each other, to the benefit of the unscrupulous, the powerful, and the greedy. We can and must counter that by really seeing each other and each other’s legitimate needs. We must listen to each other. We must connect, and “live in fragments no longer.” We must be kind. We must be like the Fab Five. Because, as Jonathan said this week on NPR, “This is a MOMENT, honey!”
If a desperate man or woman is told often enough that immigrants, or people of color, or gay people, or feminists, or the “elite”, or all Democrats, are to blame for their desperation, they will tend to believe that. Unless and until they can see and feel that the afore-mentioned groups actually share most of their values and much of their pain, they will cling to those poisonous messages. We don’t all have to become BFFs, but as Rodney King once said, “Can’t we all just get along?” Because as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” I don’t expect all of us to love our more conservative neighbors. But maybe, as my mother used to say, if some of you don’t have anything nice to say to or about them, you could say nothing — and get on with motivating the blue voters you find more appealing. And more of us should be reaching out, with empathy and kindness, to unite our fellow Americans, these GOP voters, against the real threat. The one in the White House, and his friend in the Kremlin.
Waking Thoughts 